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Those Thoughts

Those thoughts come to mind,

seeking to unwind any positive reflection of self.

Pages from the book of life blank,

remaining dusty on the shelf.

Hidden behind smiles,

depression lurks with laughter.

Infiltrating our serotonin,

leaving our thoughts to “whatevers”…

I remember two things from the first time I thought about it. I was in the kitchen and looking at a steak knife. I distinctly remember a second time with a steak knife in the kitchen, but this time my brother was with me. I also vaguely remember thinking “what if” as I drove along a twisty mountain side road. I don’t recall much about each time, but there has always been two constants. I’ve always imagined how painful it would be, and how my mom would probably react. Both of those things definitely saved my life.

Looking back, I’m pretty sure that I always imagined an intense amount of hurt as a subconscious way to survive. I don’t have that great of a pain tolerance, and I definitely don’t enjoy being in pain.

My mom has always called me her rock. Deep down I’ve always known how much she loves me and the impact I’ve had on her life. If the thought of my own pain wasn’t enough to dissuade me from suicide, the thought of what it would do to her was. This part is what came to my mind when my mom told me that she had similar thoughts…how the thought of what it would do to me is what kept her from jumping off a bridge.

I remember grabbing beers with one of my best friends in college one night. After a couple rounds we got deeper and deeper into conversation and that’s when he thanked me for saving his life from “those thoughts.” I’m forever grateful that he trusted me to have that talk.

My hope in talking about this is to increase awareness. I haven’t had a suicidal thought in years, but lately I’ve seen and heard a few friends having those thoughts. I’m relieved every time that I hear about it. I’m relieved because asking for help is hard, especially when it’s talking about suicide because there is a disgusting amount of shame associated with it.

To all that have ever given their love and support to me, you have made a difference in my life. I appreciate you!

If you are having “those thoughts” and don’t know where to go for help, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline number is 1-800-273-8255.

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